This article is for entertainment purposes only; facts and opinions included may be partly or entirely fictional.
It has finally arrived: The much anticipated iPhone 5. Words fail to describe its beauty, fanboys say, so I went to the Apple Store, where a clever and probably illegally strong suction system at the entrance spit me inside.
And then – I touched an iPhone 5 package. I thought it was a joke, that the package would stick to your fingers and pump endorphins into your brain, but oh no – touching is buying, baby.
I’ve been using the iPhone 5 for a week now, and I can tell you already: You can safely skip this one. Here’s 5 solid reasons why the iPhone 5 brings new meaning to the word "bizarre".
1: Bizarre look & feel
In a half-hearted attempt to create a "magical" new phone that comes closer to the iPad, Apple has produced a phone that looks mostly like someone had a good time with a rolling pin. The iPhone 5’s display measures a whopping 5 inches in diagonal, while it has become just 0.15 inch thick. I need tweezers to pick it up, actually.
The "Pay Even More, Get Even Less" phone
Some of my friends thought it was an iPhone-like coaster, actually. Others felt sorry that someone parked his truck on my phone. Damn, one more comment like that and I’ll just add it to my modern arts collection.
2: Bizarre antenna solution
You must have heard of the Grip of Death that made the iPhone 4 such an awkward device to use. To solve this once and for all, the iPhone 5 engineers have decided to use a much more natural antenna – you.
That’s right. The iPhone 5 requires you to raise your pinky like a good gay man to make a decent phone call. You better believe me if you don’t want enjoy raised eyebrows and muffled giggles from your friends, or want to take your calls in toilets.
3: Bizarre battery charging
iPhone owners are notorious for their power-prowling behavior, sucking juice from orphan USB cables and unattended outlets every chance they get. With the iPhone 5, that’s no longer necessary.
You can charge anytime, anywhere, thanks to the new Friction Charging System. It sounds geeky, but it simply means you gotta rub it on your skin to charge it. And the best part: That’s the only way to charge it.
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